Transitions

In class this week we discussed the transitions that a couple experiences when they get married and also if/when they have a baby. These events are stressful on a relationship and it is important to understand the importance of knowing that changes are going to happen and learning how to better handle the changes. The change of dating and being in a relationship to marriage is drastic and takes compromises and negotiations from both sides. In class someone mentioned the term merging and that really stood out to me. When I think of merging, I think of two companies merging together. It doesn't happen right away and it both businesses have to negotiate and make compromises because they know the end result is what they want, and for their benefit. It is the same with a couple. Marriage takes compromises on both ends, and it doesn't happen right away, but with patience, understanding and love two people can merge together happily and healthily. In class we discussed that a significant word when getting married, is sharing. Before marriage you only had to be responsible for yourself and look out for your individual needs, however with marriage you are responsible for your significant other. You share responsibilities, finances, burdens, space, time, etc. and adjusting to these changes and sharing responsibilities can be difficult, however are essential to learn to have a happy and successful start to marriage. According to research, the most important time to form habits within a marriage are within the first year. That fact is a little intimidating, and puts a lot of pressure, I believe, on couples. One thing that has really stood out to me however in discussing and learning about this topic, is that communication is absolutely essential and is one thing that will help to strengthen a relationship, and make the transition easier. In regards to the transition of bringing a baby home, is an even bigger adjustment. In class we used a scenario of a husband and wife who have been married for 3 years, and have a 7 month old baby. In this scenario we analyzed the different perspectives of the husband and wife. The wife felt that her husband did not participate and help out with the baby as much as she would like and that he tended to complain a lot, and felt that he was just being selfish. The husband felt that his wife focused all of her attention on the baby and rarely had time for him, and didn't feel like she appreciated the hard work that he did in providing for them. Seems pretty realistic right?! I thought so too! How would you handle this situation if one of these people were your friends and they came to you with concern that maybe they made a mistake in marrying the other person. One thing that automatically came to mind was communication with each other about what they were feeling and doing it in a non accusatory way. The next was ways in which they both could help each other to start to solve some of their negative feelings. One thing was making time for each other. The baby is a huge aspect of their lives and they are needed to dedicate their time to their child, however they also need to commit time to one another to allow for the two o them to reconnect. Another thing was having the wife getting her husband more involved in helping out with taking care of the baby and making him feel important and allow for him to bond with the child so that he can feel a connection, and not feel resentment to the child of taking up all of his wife's time. The wife can praise him when he does help out, and encourage him to continue and to not be criticizing him for how he may do things with the baby. Through these discussions, it has opened up my mind to how I need to be aware for my future marriage and family, and also how to handle situations and challenges that arise with marriage and starting a family.

Dating...yep you read that right.

Alright everyone! This week's topic was dating! Yes you read that right, it is the best topic for any single person who has no dating life what so ever and will make you want to jump out of you pyjamas, put your makeup back on and go out into he world and find yourself a man, right? For me it didn't! But good for you if you felt that way. In all honesty my dating life is pretty much non-existent. I find myself frustrated constantly of being classified and put into the "friend zone". All. The. Time. So in knowing what the discussion was going to be for the week, I wanted to stay at home and eat ice cream and mourn my non existent dating life. However, through the discussions of this week, I have never felt more frustrated, and more empowered. Yes that's right I am a both sides of the spectrum girl! One point of the discussion that frustrated me, was discussing how my generation views dating, and how dating has become and lost icon in our world. We jump way too many steps and it leads to heart break, unhealthy relationships, and unhealthy expectations for yourself and also the people around you. I also think that we lose self respect for ourselves. We don't see ourselves as who we are, and what our potential is, rather we base it on what other people think about us, specifically of who dates us. Dating has become a commitment before marriage. I hate to break it to you...BUT IT'S NOT! Dating is a great way to go and do an activity and spending quality time with another human being who is interested in getting to know you as a person. Yes, the purpose of dating is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, however you are not going to marry every person that you date! My professor said something that made me chuckle but in all reality was the truth! He said that with our generation, "we date 'em till we hate 'em." No truer words have ever been spoken! I have seen numerous times when friends or roommates will date guys and continue to go on dates with them until something happens and it gives them a reason to hate them! Why do we do this?  It got me thinking to why we would ever want to spend time with a person, just to waste time! I have tried to understand it but I don't think I ever will! Another topic we brought up, was that people who are either dating or are in a relationship spend every waking moment and hour with each other. I am an introverted person and so I need my alone time to regenerate and to take the time to regroup with myself and take care of me for just a moment. So it boggles my mind that couples would want to spend so much time together! I don't know if I'm just negative spinster, and I don't have these glasses on that make you go goo-goo for another human being to want to spend all my time with them, but it is unhealthy. We discussed in class that it is unrealistic. When said couple does get married, the amount of time that they end up spending together is dropped drastically because of work, and other commitments. So as you can see this was why I came back from this week's discussion feeling very confused with my emotions. I have chosen to look at this as great learning and preparation for me to make the right decisions for myself when I am dating, in a relationship, engaged and married. To contemplate and make goals and standards for myself as to what is needed to build a connection with another person, and to maintain it in a healthy way!
Dating sucks. ;)