Divorce & Remarriage

In class we discussed the affects of divorce and remarriage and how this can affect the family system and why. People have the misconception that 50% of marriages end in divorce, when the static is actually that all remarriages have 50% chance of ending in divorce. Why is that? My parents are not divorced however my dad is remarried and looking at their relationship and the struggles they experienced at the beginning of marriage are evident, especially when children are involved. My dad's first wife passed away, however the family system still changed significantly when my dad remarried to my mum. When they were married my mother had to step in as the role of wife and mother instantly and so the relationship between her and the two children was rocky at first in trying to figure out everyone's new role within the family. Though difficult it can be done, with a lot of patience and love and the mentality of always working to become a stronger family unit. We often only hear of how hard a divorce is from the parents themselves, however it has a significant impact on the children as well. Children often take on the point of view that if their parents get divorced it is somehow their fault, and they also perceive it more negatively when the divorced parents get along even after divorce. In knowing the family system and understanding that different roles of each individual we can better understand the impact divorce and remarriage can have.

Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? To protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in (Popkin). I think this is a very great start in understanding the importance of parenting and why we parent and can be a great start in forming a way of how we parent and how we are going to parent. Parents often use the technique of rewarding "good" behavior and punishing "bad" behavior and this creates a parenting of the child being inferior and parents being superior. This perception of each other in a parent-child relationship can be destructive and it lacks respect on both sides of the relationship.

In class we also discussed the importance of teaching children the principle of choices, consequences and the result or outcome.
CHOICES + CONSEQUENCES = RESPONSIBLITY
I think this is one of the most important things that parents can teach their children and this goes along perfectly with the purpose of parenting as this helps to prepare a child to thrive in the world. When we give children choices in their life they feel that they have power over themselves and it also helps to prepare them to make decisions for themselves further in their life. When they have choices that empowerment over themselves helps to create a sense of worth and understanding of themselves.   Along with given them choices and making decisions for themselves, also having them comprehend and understand that every choice, good or bad, has consequences. We discussed the different kinds of consequences that we need to be aware of as parents and future parents. Natural consequences is a consequence that happens naturally with no intervention and is beneficial for a child to experience what happens based on their choices. Natural consequences are best EXCEPT for when it is:
1) Too Dangerous - will bring them severe physical harm that is preventative.
2) Too far into the future - the consequence they need to learn won't be evident until it's too late.
3) Affecting Others - If the consequence will not just affect them, but others around them.
I find this interesting. I have always thought that the natural consequences that occur were best so that one may learn and grow from that, however the other consequence is the logical consequence in which a parent is in control of the situation but the child still receives the consequence just in a safe environment. Now this can be difficult but essential at times for them to learn the consequence but be in a safe environment. As parents it is their responsibility to teach these principles to their children so that they may have the skills needed to be a citizen of the world who is resilient to the adversities around them, and teaches them to make good decisions in their lives.

Degree or Not Degree...That Is the Question

In class this week we discussed the importance of a woman's role within a home, in her education, and the differences that are evident in our generation from previous years in where a woman's priorities should be lined. The question was posed in class, "Do your parents, specifically your mother, have a degree or any form of further education? How has this impacted your life and your viewpoints?’ My mother never went on to any secondary education and began working full-time after she graduated high school and did so until she was married at 27 and has been a stay-at-home mom ever since. My father is a tradesman and so he went to some school to continue on and become a journeyman but never got a degree. Now I'm not saying that my parents are not educated, because they are. My dad is very intelligent and is able to learn fast and efficiently and this has helped him in his career in which he has grown and become very successful. My mother is very educated as a result of being on her own and providing for herself for 9 years after graduating and she has taught her children the importance as well. Both of my parents grew up very poor and so secondary education never seemed real or a possibility to have and so they followed in their parents footsteps and just began to work. Even though my parents never received a degree or pursued secondary education, it has always been a huge importance to both of my parents because they did not have that for themselves they wanted that for their children. My older sister went to two years of community college but never graduated to receive a degree, and so far I am the only other child out of my 6 siblings who is attending University in pursuit of a degree. My older brother has followed in my fathers footsteps and has been very successful in the trades as well as my other brother. Their example was my father and so that has been an influence in their lives in seeing how successful my dad has been and they want that for themselves and are working towards that. I look at my mother and I see the missed opportunities of not having a degree however, she has taught us the importance of seeking knowledge in all things and to go and seek after truth and keep and gain knowledge. My mother has educated me into being a capable and self-reliant person who is independent and able to support myself and that is because of her experiences and the education she has received and experienced. Education does not necessarily mean getting a degree but seeking truth and my parents have done this. They engage in conversations with me about current events and teaching me values and standards that help me to make sense of things that are happening around me. 

Communication

The topic this week is communication! I'm sure everyone of us has had a time in our life where we have tried to communicate with someone and the message was just not received the way we intended and how we wanted.

THOUGHT/FEELING--ENCODE--MEDIA--DECODE--THOUGHT/FEELING
                                                                                                                

As above, we have this thought or feeling that we have that we wish to convey to another person and we try to voice this thought in a way that we think the other person will be able to decode. This is the struggle with communication, is that the other individual may decode the message differently than you intended and this can create conflict. In class we used an example of a married couple taking a road trip and they were having good conversations and everything was running smoothly when the wife asked the husband if he was thirsty. Girls, we understand what that ultimately means right? Guys if you're unsure, here's what it means! When a girl asks if you want a drink, or if you have to use the washroom she's not asking to know, she's asking because she wants either something to drink or has to use the washroom! Crazy right! Well her husband did not decode this message correctly and so replied back saying, "No I'm good!" Because her husband did not decode the message that she was putting out there, she was upset by it. We can not always know how a person will decode what we are trying to tell them and we must be patient with those around we have relationships with and try to work through and understand the different methods of communication each individual has.

My parents are not the greatest communicators and I have witnessed this throughout my childhood and witnessing how my parents engaged with one another when conflict would arise. Certain things I witnessed were that when a huge conflict or trial would arise, they would converse with each other frequently and constantly want to be on the same page with everything and would communicate this with each other. However, it was the little things that would happen on a regular basis that they did not communicate well with each other. They would often use the silent treatment with each other and just ignore the issue and not talk about it and in the end nothing would be resolved and there are hurt feelings for the remainder of the day. My parents have a great relationship with each other, but this is something I have learned from them to not ignore the little things because your marriage will be that much stronger and have that great communication between each other.

Family Crisis

The definition of crisis is: a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger; a time when a difficult or important decision must be made. I really like the second definition of when a difficulty arises, and important decision must be made and I think that really describes family crisis, and it can determine how a family can recover from a crisis and will either work through the difficulty and prosper or not. In class we discussed the ABCX model with family crisis created by Reuben Hill.
    Actual event
+  Both resources & responses
    Cognitions (how we define the event; understanding)
TOTAL EXPERIENCE
Multiple families can experience the same or similar crisis, however the experience from it can be completely different for each family, and it is because of the different resources we use, how we respond to the event and how we define the difficulty for ourselves. We may see crises as being the end and having that attitude that there is no hope and wondering why this trial or difficulty had to happen to your family. I know from my own experiences that everything happens for a reason and there is always a purpose for everything. Through trials and crises of my own, it does not just affect myself individually but it also affected my family and as a family unit we had to work through it together. My family has grown closer because we have used the resources available to us and based on our resources we could better understand the situation and it allowed us to work through and cope.

Has anyone heard of a coping saw? I hadn't either but a coping saw is used for crown moulding instalment. When two walls come together they are at a 45 degree angle and do not fully connect or merge with each other and can end up cracking. A coping saw allows for fit crown moulding, and when under pressure will actually bring it closer together and bind it. This is relevant to coping after a trial occurs within a family. When we cope properly, the end result is to bring the family unit and individuals closer together and form a greater bond with one another.

Every family will experience a crisis at one time or another and may even experience more than one trial and it may seem like the end of the world and feel like your support system is being shaken, however if we can use the resources and tools around us to help make sense of our situation we can have a better outcome and have an amazing experience as a result. A family unit needs to be strong and stable, and that can only be accomplished if every individual does their part and contributes to supporting others.

Intimacy in a Relationship

This week's discussion was very insightful if not awkward at times. This week we discussed sexuality, and the importance of intimacy in a marriage. We discussed how social media can become an evil within a marriage, and if not approached with caution and transparency with each other, can result in marital problems as severe as infidelity. Open communication and honesty are extremely important to a relationship, and especially marriage. Communication especially with your spouse, and seeking them to confide in and tell them their thoughts and feelings. Often times we tend to turn to someone outside of our marriage, such as a family member or friend, and we tell them things that are happening within the marriage. Doing this can cause difficulties. I have a very close relationship with my mother and I can not imagine not telling her things are stressing me out in my life and not seeking her advice on the situation. It was surprising for me to find out to keep your family or friends out of those situations, even little things that occur. By keeping those issues, disagreements or whatever it may be, to keep it between you and your spouse and not to get others involved. What happens when this happens is that your family or friends only remember the difficulties that you are experiencing within your marriage and they don't get to hear how the couple worked through it. When they remember these things it warps their perception of that person and can create tension within a marriage. A marriage should be a safe place for both husband and wife to safe and that their personal problems stay between them and are not divulged to others, especially family members. That trust in a relationship is crucial and allows for more open communication and trusting to know that they can talk freely with one another and it not leaving their relationship. Communication, trust and honesty are essential to a relationship and crucial to a marriage, without these things a couple can not thrive and create a healthy relationship.

Transitions

In class this week we discussed the transitions that a couple experiences when they get married and also if/when they have a baby. These events are stressful on a relationship and it is important to understand the importance of knowing that changes are going to happen and learning how to better handle the changes. The change of dating and being in a relationship to marriage is drastic and takes compromises and negotiations from both sides. In class someone mentioned the term merging and that really stood out to me. When I think of merging, I think of two companies merging together. It doesn't happen right away and it both businesses have to negotiate and make compromises because they know the end result is what they want, and for their benefit. It is the same with a couple. Marriage takes compromises on both ends, and it doesn't happen right away, but with patience, understanding and love two people can merge together happily and healthily. In class we discussed that a significant word when getting married, is sharing. Before marriage you only had to be responsible for yourself and look out for your individual needs, however with marriage you are responsible for your significant other. You share responsibilities, finances, burdens, space, time, etc. and adjusting to these changes and sharing responsibilities can be difficult, however are essential to learn to have a happy and successful start to marriage. According to research, the most important time to form habits within a marriage are within the first year. That fact is a little intimidating, and puts a lot of pressure, I believe, on couples. One thing that has really stood out to me however in discussing and learning about this topic, is that communication is absolutely essential and is one thing that will help to strengthen a relationship, and make the transition easier. In regards to the transition of bringing a baby home, is an even bigger adjustment. In class we used a scenario of a husband and wife who have been married for 3 years, and have a 7 month old baby. In this scenario we analyzed the different perspectives of the husband and wife. The wife felt that her husband did not participate and help out with the baby as much as she would like and that he tended to complain a lot, and felt that he was just being selfish. The husband felt that his wife focused all of her attention on the baby and rarely had time for him, and didn't feel like she appreciated the hard work that he did in providing for them. Seems pretty realistic right?! I thought so too! How would you handle this situation if one of these people were your friends and they came to you with concern that maybe they made a mistake in marrying the other person. One thing that automatically came to mind was communication with each other about what they were feeling and doing it in a non accusatory way. The next was ways in which they both could help each other to start to solve some of their negative feelings. One thing was making time for each other. The baby is a huge aspect of their lives and they are needed to dedicate their time to their child, however they also need to commit time to one another to allow for the two o them to reconnect. Another thing was having the wife getting her husband more involved in helping out with taking care of the baby and making him feel important and allow for him to bond with the child so that he can feel a connection, and not feel resentment to the child of taking up all of his wife's time. The wife can praise him when he does help out, and encourage him to continue and to not be criticizing him for how he may do things with the baby. Through these discussions, it has opened up my mind to how I need to be aware for my future marriage and family, and also how to handle situations and challenges that arise with marriage and starting a family.